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A humane solution to the cruel exploitation of primates in zoos


We simply must start a war between primates. All Gorillas do is sit in zoos looking unhappy, Chimps are a too close for comfort in intelligence; obviously something must be done about this that does not involve exterminating them.


Britain is historically excellent at setting peoples who barely get on against each other and we ought to put our skills to good use with primates. Chimps outnumber Gorillas and would be more easily persuaded to invade their territory, so we will have to secretly coax the Chimps into starting hostilities and then back the Gorillas.


If we choose to arm either side, we will have to stay within Article 23 of the Hague Convention 1907 to ensure no 'unnecessary suffering' is endured during hostilities. While this conflict is taking place we will bring the Bonobos under our influence and gain their loyalty, in return for their neutrality they will be given control of central Africa at the conclusion of the Primate War which will end in attritional stalemate.


Then we have to deal with 'the Bonobo problem' and the solution involves cats. Leopards can be easily tranquilised and relocated from the plains to the jungles. As excellent tree-climbers there will be no escape for the Bonobos.

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